My platform

My stances on key issues in the 2008 election.

War in Iraq: Get. Out. There is now easy way of saying this, but there will be more bloodshed before there is less. The Iraqi people can either kill our soldiers or they can kill each other. I don't mean to sound callous, but that is the simple truth. Did Iraq "assist" us in our civil war? (No, they were being oppressed by the British. Why don't we put the blame on Britain for this whole mess, anyway?) The three warring sides in Iraq need to come up with some sort of solution. I am all for the American government mediating these talks, but by enforcing our will upon these people, we are just making future enemies.

Healthcare: Universal healthcare is not the answer. Children should always get the best care available, they are our future (and it's not fair for them to be punished as a result of our politicians' ineptitude). More money needs to be put into healthcare and HMO's need to be held criminally liable for ripping off Americans. However, universal healthcare will just cause more problems than not.

Immigration: I cannot understand people who favor amnesty for illegal immigrants. Your taxes, money that is theoretically supposed to make its way back to you in one form or another, are being spent on people who do not contribute anything to our government themselves. Accelerated citizenship is fine with me, as long as illegal's realize that the American dream is not tax-free.

Abortion: The "woman's choice" argument is a joke. A baby requires a woman AND a man. Also, feminists make me lurch. I think I am undecided on this issue...uh, I'll get back to you.

Gay marriage: This shouldn't even be an issue but since it garners so much media attention, here is my position. WHO CARES?! Honestly, if some neo-con "born-again Christian" works to prevent two people's happiness and love they can, quite frankly, go right to hell.

The perfect job

The other night my friends and I were talking about police dogs (we had just gotten pulled over for running a stop sign and the cop had a dog in the car), and we began to discuss how being a police dog trainer would be the greatest thing. I mean, think about it, you would just get free weed from the government and hang out all day with your best friends and a ton of dogs. And you would teach the dogs to kill. Okay, I realize this is a bit sick, but trust me. Not only would you treat the dogs to kill whenever they smelled weed, you would throw in a "wild card" with every dog. This wild card could be somthing like an orange, or a tomato, where if the dog smells someone eating an orange, he will maul that person. Every dog would have a different "wild card", too. Haha, imagine.

The perfect song?

The new Modest Mouse single, "Dashboard", may be the greatest song ever written. How can you not live it when the lead singer (Isaak Brock, I'm told) goes into that prechorus line of, um, well I don't really know what he's saying but I love it. However, how does it test against my Best Song Ever theorem (developed last year). Let's review:

1) Use a beat people can clap too.
2) Have all the music cut out for one chorus except for the bass drum.
3) Have a children's choir sing a chorus with the lead singer at the end. Also, have ALL the instruments cut out for this part, but immediately fill back in afterward.
4) Change the key in the middle of the song.

Granted all of this may be a little bit much for one hit single, so use the following with discretion throughout the rest of the album. That way you will have a number one album. Lyrics shouldn't be given much thought either, because who listens to the lyrics anyway?

Okay, so is Dashboard clappable? Not exactly. Music cutting out? YES! The children's choir, not so much, but could you imagine!? And finally, I dont recall any key change. Shit, I just disproved myself. I may revise my theorem, because let's face it, that song is fucking sweet.

Haa haa haa

And thus it begins

Okay, this is my final attempt at keeping up with a blog. Apparently, it seems in order to be sophisticated these days you have to have a blog. But I am too hungover right now to elaborate. So until my next post...